Friday, February 29, 2008

Honor your grief - 2/29/08

Calliope of Creating Motherhood has asked for the infertile blogging community to post about grief, loss and remembrance on this Leap Day. I don't come near having the grief and loss of many recently that I follow in blogland. Perinatal and neonatal loss are ones I will never experience, and I cannot imagine their hurt. But I grieve too, for a few things:

1) I grieve the loss of the biological child never born to us. I was going to say never conceived, but we did create 10 rotten embryos form the two IVF's combined, but they never made it back into me, and died in the lab. I lost hope after that second IVF. There was to be no baby that I could give my husband with our DNA. I have recently observed the clear resemblances of my friend's kids to their parents. We went to a birthday party last weekend, and I could pick out of the crowd the parents of kids I ha never even met. So I grieve that too . . . the loss of never seeing what our biological child would look like.

2) I grieve for my son, J*'s birthmother. She has had the loss of not one, but two biological children to adoption. Yes, it was her choice, but (I hope) she grieved her loss. I also grieve for J*, and the grief he will inevitably feel one day when he comprehends adoption.

3) Cooper may grieve in a similar way too one day. He is not our biological child, but I gestated him. How will he feel when he learns the truth of his origins? He may be fine with it, but I will worry until the day I know.

4) I grieve for my grandmother, that she didn't live to see me graduate high school, college, grad school, get married, know my children, and share the joy in all those events. I miss her, even though its been almost 23 years. She was my first best friend.

I wish peace to everyone else who is recognizing and honoring their grief today.

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