I am infertile. I never forget that. I find myself working hard to remind everyone else of that, however, as news of my pregnancy spreads. My standard phrase is "I'm pregnant, by the miracle of modern science", or "I'm pregnant, but this baby is adopted too . . . ". I have to admit, the latter has been my favorite lately, just for pure shock value, and to see the look on some faces is just priceless!
Why do I feel so guilty? This is a rhetorical question, BTW. I am telling you why. Its because infertility leaves deep, permanent scars. For the past 5 1/2 years, it has been my identity. We infertiles flock together . . . we have secret clubs (message boards) and a secret language to ourselves (IVF, ICSI, BFN, beta, FET, gonal-f, RE, etc). Going through infertility treatments is so horrid, so stressful, so EXPENSIVE, but it is who I am. But now I'm pg, and I feel someewhat guilty about that.
BUT, I am also extremely proud of the road we took to get here. If not for the infertility, we would not have our PERFECT little boy sleeping upstairs right now. I would not have the wonderful friends I've made through his adoption process, nor the friends from the infertility boards. I've actually bonded with a few others at work, who admitted to their infertility struggles since hearing my story.
And we would never have this little guy growing inside me, or be blessed to know the family for which we are eternally grateful for, who gave us this GIFT. Our extended family has grown forever, and we look forward to a lifetime together.
My next few posts will take you through embryo adoption, and our experience coming to meet and bond with our donors.
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6 comments:
Yes...IF does leave deep and permanent scars. But you have paid your dues sweetie. It is your turn. I doubt the guilt will go away. But just don't let it grow large enough to overwhelm the amazement, joy, and excitement of the pregnancy and the little boy inside of you!
I for one am thrilled to be able to stand next to you, my IF sister, and yell "Hell yeah she made it!"
Lots of love....
Like Jen said being one that "has made it" is an amazing experience. Since I got PG naturally and not from IF makes the PG seem surreal to me. I didn't feel the guilt until my SIL(who has been TTC for a year and has done a couple IUI's) had a hard time with me being PG. It made me mad that after all my struggles someone would make me feel guilty. Now when a stranger remarks about my PG I feel the need to tell them what a long road it was. I guess the pain of IF is always there.
You are PG, but you still have fertility problems. That will never go away. I am over getting PG, but just this past weekend I was telling someone my story and they said you can really hear the anger and frustration of the whole process in the way I tell it. So no matter how many kids we "adopt" the infertility will always remain the same.
I guess we do have survivor's guilt, even amongst each other. I do notice that I will post less about my pregnancy joys than my pregnancy fears for fear of offending someone...
Here through the Creme list; I'm starting to consider embryo adoption, so I'll be looking around on your blog to read your story!
I came via the creme. That was such a moving post. It is true if leaves scars in many ways. Thanks again for this post.
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