In a blink of an eye . . .

. . . 12 weeks have passed. My baby is no longer a newborn, but a mere infant. Sigh!

That's a sigh of relief, by the way! Newborns are way over-rated . . . they are damn cute but so very hard to care for. I'm not cut out for it, which is why I won't ever do it again.

We had a lovely Thanksgiving and a nice long weekend. We visited the Bronx Botanical Gardens for their Holiday Train Show yesterday . . . all the buildings and bridges were replicas of NYC landmarks, which were all made of sticks, wood, and bark! It's the 16th year they've had the exhibit, but our first time seeing it. Jackson loved it! But the lines and the waiting were difficult for a 3-year old, so we won't be going back until Cooper is 5 or so. Here are a few pics if you're interested!

So very thankful . . .

. . . for everyone and everything in my life. But special thanks to the two women who helped me become a mother, and who made my husband a father, and my sons brothers. I would not be who I am or where I am today without them, and and so very grateful for their heartfelt gifts of love. M*, wherever you are, I hope you are safe, warm, and loved. We think of you every night at bedtime when we read J*'s book. And to S* and her family, we hope to see you again soon, and look forward to lifelong friendship. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Check out this giveaway!

Head over to Splat's to see the holiday design giveaway she is offering! Her blog designs rock!

Foto Friday

I'm jumping on the blogging bandwagon and posting a "Foto Friday" picture. Because my kids are so damn cute. Actually, its a digital scrap card for Thanksgiving. Enjoy the weekend!

I survived . . .

. . . my first day without him. Sigh. Hubby and I both went to drop the boys off, and I didn't cry at all. then I visited at 1:30 and started to tear up when they lifted him out of his crib . . . there was my tiny baby looking too small to be at daycare. It was almost too much. I survived though, and he had a great day, despite the noises and wide open spaces of his new surroundings. Today is a better day for me. Of course I only managed a 2 sentence intro on my research paper so far, but I do my best work under pressure. Well, I hope.

Here was his first day:

Last day together

Tomorrow is Cooper's first day at daycare. I am ready. On Friday, our last full day alone together, I realized that it's time to go back to the real world. I am ready. He will be fine. I will be fine. The two girls in charge of him at daycare are so excited for his arrival, and they will take good care. I have been spying on them for almost a year, knowing this day for my new baby would come all too soon. They do a great job and really love the babies. I'm also happy to say there will only be 3-4 babies for the 2 of them to care for, so what's better than that? Well, a lot I guess, but this is the best we have.

I don't start work for one more week. I have to research, draft, and write an entire term paper in those 5 days alone. Its due next Sunday, and if I can knock it out, the semester will be pretty much over for me, except for an online presentation in mid-December. I just hope I can get it done in between naps, LOL!

Here is Cooper's two month picture!

Humbled

This whole "asking for help" thing is new to me. I don't do it well. But I obviously can't handle all that is going on with me (emotionally, hormonally, physically) and take good care of two kids and a husband, a house, the finances, and now preparing to go back to work full-time. I am splitting at the seams. Yes, the meds are helping . . . and I have not gotten up for a night feeding in 2 weeks thanks to an amazing hubby (not counting the Saturdays he works till 3am of course). The babysitter is helping too . . . just knowing that she is coming on certain nights makes me feel better and, well, less alone.

So, why am I humbled? I asked MIL to come over and be with me last night. She came at 5:45 and stayed until 9:30 when hubby came home. And I was nice. We had a pleasant evening. Interesting.

2 months today!!!

At his check-up on Wednesday, C* was 11 lbs 12 oz and 23 inches! He gained 3 pounds in a month! I thought he was a big boy, but I checked J*'s records, and he was 13lbs 11oz at 2 months! I don't remember him as such a chunk-a-lunk.

And its late in the evening and I didn't even take one picture of my baby today. Bad Mommy. I will snap one later when he is in a better mood, since he is fussing right now with the babysitter (as I am supposed to be doing my schoolwork, but am procrastinating as usual!). Will you settle for an adorable Halloween pic of him . . . and one of Big Bro too?

Add a caption, win a prize!

This picture from last night just cracks me up. What do you think he is thinking? Best caption wins a prize! I'll make you a siggy for your message board.

Thanks everyone . . .

We are doing ok. For those who didn't know, I was on Prozac for years and years before, so we went with that since it worked really well for me.

I have hired a sitter to come from 6-9pm on Tues and Fridays when I am usually alone with the two boys. We've started formula for 1/2 the feeds and I am still BF half-time for now. I am not ready to give it up completely, and I have critically reviewed the clinical literature on transfer of Prozac or Ativan into breastmilk, and well, its inconclusive. So I will wean in my own time.

Question of the day: Can someone tell me how my 3-year old (adopted) son and my newborn (adopted embry) son inherited my husband's annoying habit of sleeping loudly? No wonder I am sleep deprived . . . everyone snores around here!

Ummmmm, DUH!

Sorry I haven't been in more touch, but I have officially lost it. The sleep deprivation caused insomnia, which in turn led to anxiety attacks. Sunday afternoon I almost went to the ER, b/c I felt like I was losing my mind. Hubby was great, and let me cry it out, but I went to the DR on Monday and yes . . . I have been diagnosed with post-partum anxiety/depression. How I didn't see that coming I have no idea . . . its been coming on for weeks. And I've been a horrible mom to J* and C*,and that makes me cry more when I think about it. Now I am mad at myself for not getting help sooner, b/c the meds (prozac) will take 6 weeks to 3 months to work. In the meantime, I have Ativan to knock me out at night, and poor Hubby is on his own. Its hell at our house.

Oh, and I have to stop breastfeeding which is good and bad. I'm sad I can't continue, but it has been very

stressful for me for some reason. I had plenty of milk . . . I guess the every 2-3 hours thing was adding to the sleep deprivation. And I was stressed about pumping enough milk for Hubby to have enough to feed once in the night. Anyway, i am weaning this week, and trying to enjoy our last nursing sessions together. And BTW, formula really smells something awful!! I had forgotten about that!

Thanks for listening . . .

We've come full circle . . .

Guess who came to dinner on Sunday? Cooper's DONORS!

We are so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful relationship with them. We are truly blessed. They came with their son and daughter, and my parents and inlaws too. A day to remember, for sure. We plan to get together at least once a year, if not more. They are great people, even if they are Red Sox fans. Noone is perfect, I guess . . .

I did it!

Yeah me!

I got both boys to sleep by 9:15pm on Saturday night ALL BY MYSELF!! Hubby gets home from the restaurant at 2or 3am on Saturdays.

Yes, by sheer luck, C* conked out by 9pm after I tanked him up with close feedings late in the evening. Then I took J* to sleep with me in my bed . . . no, not the optimal solution, but it worked for survival mode.

Now if only I slept well that night . . . I kept checking on C* in his crib, seeing if he was cold (it was our first really cold night here), or rolling J* over so he wasn't snoring in my ear, or thinking/worrying about not falling asleep before the next feeding time. Hmm, that's insomnia, right?

Thanks for asking . . .

. . . but we are still hanging by a thread around our house. Its not worse, but not better. That's ok, we can make it through. Thanks for checking on us!

And your reward . . . a few pictures!

Opinion doesn't matter much I guess . . .

Everyone CONSTANTLY says how much Jax looks like Daddy . . . almost eerily so, given he's not bio-related. I get jealous sometimes, but its really true. He is the spitting image of him!

Well, the computer doesn't think so. I win this one!! I did this twice, with different pictures. The first time, Jax looked more like me by 3%.

The view from down here . . .

Can you all see me! I'm over here, waving, frantically! Where, you ask?

Here, at ROCK BOTTOM!!

Holy cow, I didn't think it could be worse than before, but, uh, yeah, it can. Sleep training?? Who's fucking bright idea was that?? Am I blame you guys too . . . why in the world would you encourage me to take on such a doomed feat, with a newborn and a husband who is not strong enough to battle to beast of toddlerdom?? UGH!

I got the book, The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers . . .and it makes great sense. Perfect sense even. We didn;t have an effective bed-time routine that was relaxing, and transitioning into sleep time. Jax was also probably overtired, since we put him to bed late (just based on our schedule). So we started to quiet down the evening activities, and go to bed earlier. Well, the kicking, screaming, and crying on all our parts brought me to the brink last night. I GIVE UP.

For now at least. We will just be winging it for now, until Cooper is sleeping more. Enough said.

I must have super-milk!

4-week check-up this morning and my chunk-a-lunck gained a whopping 1 lb 13 oz and 1/2 inch in two weeks! He is now 8 lbs 15 oz and 21 inches long. He is a completely different baby than the one that came out of me!

Bedtime still improving!

Jax has fallen asleep just holding our hand all 4 nights we've tried it. And he's stayed asleep, but he usually did before, except those few times since Coop's arrival. And last night, Cooper slept 4 1/2 hours straight . . . ate and slept again for 3. Hubby and I actually slept in the same bed at the same time for the first time in quite while. Seemed oddly familiar to feel his toes touching mine!

New pics . . .

Jax school pic :Mommy and baby:high five:

It can't be that easy . . .

Daddy got fed up first, so two nights ago, he got J* to fall asleep while holding his hand as he sat in a chair next to the bed. The kid was asleep in 5 minutes flat. I tried my best last night, and although it took about 30 minutes and me almost giving up and laying down with him about 72 times, he finally fell asleep. To my credit, i don't think he was tired enough to go to bed at 8:30 last night. It was 9:30 when daddy did it the night before, so there!!

I am sure I just jinxed us, but any progress needs celebration at this point, since I am so shot. Too bad my usual celebration appendage of a martini wouldn't be appropriate yet. Darn.

I used to know that word . . .

Sleep. I think that's how you spell it. I certainly can't tell you how to do it at this point. Not happening here. Its not so much the newborn-lack-of-sleep thing, but the added component of the 3-year-old not staying asleep all night. Jax has been waking in the middle of the night, throwing a wrench in the barely-working plan of DH and I trading off feedings to get some sleep. Its mayhem over here folks.

Sleep, or lack thereof, seems to be a common topic among the blogs I read these days. Thought I'd join the ranks . . .

How do you get a toddler to go to sleep on his own? Yes, its my fault to start with . . . some of you may now that Jax slept with me every night until about 7 months into the pregnancy, when I decided I'd better get my ass in gear and get this kid used to his own bed. In his new room no less. Well, he had done great until Cooper arrived, and I guess he is regressing a bit. I get that. But it doesn't solve the original problem that the kid has not gone to sleep by himself ever before. I (or DH) have always layed down with him until he falls asleep. We've tried to leave once he quiets down, but he wakes up and we start all over again. So its always been easier to either have him sleep in my bed, or stay in his bed with him until he's out. What happens there is that we usually fall asleep in his bed too. And his bed is sooooo not comfortable.

Is there a book or program from sleep-training a toddler? Any brilliant suggestions? Anyone wanna come ove rand do it for us??

2 weeks old!

Ok, that was the fastest two weeks of my entire life . . .its all a blur!

We had our 2 week checkup yesterday, and you'll never guess what Cooper gained! He's 7lbs 2oz .. up over a pound since hospital discharge. I'm so proud of both of us! The breastfeeding issues are obviously better. He latches on great now . . . and goes anywhere from 25-50 minutes a shot! Hmm, I guess that's why time has flown . . . we're always nursing! Pumping is going really well too, so at least my anxiety about keeping up with breastfeeding after going back to work is lessening. I thought I'd spend too much time pumping at work for it to be feasible, but last night I pumped almost 5 oz in 5 minutes! Everybody say MOO!

I just slept for about 6 hours too. Big ouch for the boobs, but well worth it. I pumped those 5 oz, and went straight to bed. Hubby did a feeding, so I could sleep. He also suprised me by coming home at 9pm, to help with bedtime for Jax. Told you hubby has been great! I just might keep him!

So as you can imagine, last Friday night alone with two kids didn't go that well. Coop woke and was was crying just as I was putting Jax down. I gave up after 15 min of juggling both, and we all returned to the family room, where I promptly slapped in a movie and let Jax fall asleep on the couch. Yes, I know that's Bad Parenting 101, but hey, I made it through.

OK, so if you've read this long post all the way through, you win a prize. Pictures!

Who are you, and what have you done with my husband?

I haven't spent this much time with my hubby since, um, never.

He is a restaurant manager, so he works a lot. 6 days a week, including Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday nights, when he gets home after midnight. Friday, he gets home after 9 or 10pm. We have very little social life as a result, and Sundays are reserved for family obligations and such (you know, that stereotypic Sunday Italian Family dinner is really true).

Well, hubby has been home since I went into labor on Sunday, 9/2. He went to work twice this week for a few hours in the morning, but other than that, he has been here . . . being a husband and father I barely recognize! He is truly being a great help with the Coop, pampering me as much as possible between feedings (mine and Cooper's), and taking Jackson to the park or putting him to sleep to give me a break from double duty mommying.

Its great. What the hell am I going to do tomorrow night, when he goes back to the usual schedule!?!?!

Life goes on . . .

We're settling in, and life is getting back on track. The semester has already started, and I am taking another class towards my PhD. Yes, I'm crazy, but if I don't take this required course now, its not offered until fall of 2009. SO I have homework due tonight at midnight, and yes, I'm here talking to you!

So, was I really pregnant? I feel pretty much back to normal already, although I know the hormonal plunge is yet to happen, along with the hair loss, and what-not. But right now, its hard to believe that it all happened.

Breastfeeding is still touch and go . . . he doesn't latch on right away and starts to go a little crazy. This morning, he just wouldn't do it, and it had been so long since the last feeding, I had hubby give him an ounce of formula, while I pumped. I got 2-ounces for him (very proud here!) and he sucked it right down. Thankfully the next feeding went well at the breast. Its very nerve-wracking!

He has no clothes that fit! All the newborn stuff is so big on him! I am going to Buy Buy Baby tomorrow to get 2 things in the preemie size, just so he has something to wear for visitors. I know its a waste of money . . . that's why I'm using a credit!

OK, gotta do some homework, but here's a few new pics for you!

More pics to keep you busy . ..

. . as we settle in at home. Talk to you soon.

introducing . . .

Cooper Joseph!

He arrived at 4pm on Labor Day, 9/3, at 4pm. He is 6lbs, 7oz and 18.5 inches.

We got to the hospital about 8pm on Sunday and I was only a fingertip dilated, but contractions petered out at 4 am. I was 2cm in the morning, so the ob broke my water and started pitocin at 9:15am. I lasted only until 11:30 with those pit contractions, and I needed the epidural. OMG, I really thought I was going to die with those contractions and being confined to the bed on the monitors. That was sheer torture. But, the epi was wonderful, and I progressed quickly to 10cm by 3:30pm. I started pushing at 3:45, and he was out at 4pm on the dot!

Here he is!

6 days past due . . .

And apparently my body does work! Being losing plug all day, and have had 2 hours of contractions so far, although not consistent (anywhere from 8-18 minutes apart). The parents are on call, if needed.

Just thought I'd spice up your holiday weekend!

5 days past due . . .

Status Quo!

Enjoy your Saturday!

Tick Tock . . .4 days past due

Do you have to even ask??

Just got back from OB. Cervix still closed, long, and thick. Did an u/s and fluid levels are fine. I have a non-stress test again tomorrow at the hospital. And if I'm still pg on Monday, I will meet her on the Labor unit while she is doing rounds at about 10am so she can check me again. If cervix is still pretending to be a virgin, I will check into the hospital on Monday night for "cervical ripening" and then they'll start pitocin on Tuesday morning. If by some miracle my cervix is somewhat "favorable" for induction, I will skip the Monday night step, and just show up Tuesday morning for induction.

So, at most, it will be 4 more days. Are you all up for it?? Its gonna be a loooooong and whiney weekend!!

3 days and counting

Still here.

My hair is colored and cut.
My toenails are red, and my fingernails are sheer pink.
I am waxed in all important places.
I've walked 8 miles in 3 days.
I started and finished a novel over the past 2 days, and am 1/2 way through another.
Camera batteries are charged, hospital bag is in the car.
Car seat is installed, and even cleaned J*'s seat again yesterday.

I've got nothing left to keep me occupied.

I guess I'll take a nap . . . again.

2 days past due UPDATE

NOTHING!

Never gonna happen . . .

Still shut tight. Unbelievable.

Induction scheduled for next Tuesday morning, 9/4, if needed. I have to go for an NST on Wed and Sat, and an OB appt on Friday. At least I'll be busy. Hair and nails tomorrow.

Stay tuned for a miracle . . .

No double birthdays . . .

I get to keep the b-day all to "myself". For the record, I was willing to share!

We didn't do much yesterday, since J* woke up with a fever of 103+ and was cranky most of the day. Also, we had a small trip to L + D, because I was freaked out that Doo Doo hadn't moved since the night before, which has never happened this entire pregnancy. But after an hour of monitoring and some peanut butter crackers, he started rocking and rolling, so all was fine.

We spent the rest of the day laying around, stimulating my acupressure points, taking evening primrose oil, and a few other "natural induction" techniques that have also failed to work. So much for that. We did go out to dinner for spicy Thai food, which was really yummy.

A quiet birthday come and gone. Now let's get this show on the road! Look for an update after my OB appt tomorrow afternoon!

Still nothing doing . . .

Appointment yesterday at 39w2d showed no dilation, effacement, or softening. Still haven't dropped either. Next appointment on due date, Monday 8/27. Last day of work is tomorrow, which is about all I have to look forward to at this point. Oh yeah, and my birthday is Saturday. Sigh.

Not. Happy. At. All.

Another Mother-in-law Vent

Please skip this if you're sick of hearing about it. I just need to vent it out, b/c poor hubby is the only one to hear it right now, and I know he feels stuck in the middle. So, you guys indulge me if you please!

Some of you know today is her birthday. I have spent way too much time during this pregnancy obsessing over NOT giving birth today. It would just make my life that much worse having a son born on her birthday. Knocking wood that this may have been avoided by now (it's after 10am, so even if labor starts now, I wouldn't give birth in 14 hours, right??).

So, MIL is all about her. In every way shape or form. Nothing matters but what she wants. She is now realizing that she has met her match in me. She expects her sons to gather round her for every occasion, but she saw this past Mother's Day that its not going to happen (we spent Mother's Day with My parents, and boy did that piss her off!).

Fast forward to Saturday afternoon. It was 1 1/2 days until her birthday, and we had not heard a peep about any plans. Mind you, most family gatherings occur on Sundays, since they are off Sunday and Monday from work. So I call FIL to find out what the hell was going on, whether we were expected for anything on Sunday. They always seem to forget that Hubby works Monday night (for the past 8 years). Well, plans (never relayed to us) were that Monday night, my BIL and Hubby's grandmother, aunt and uncle were coming for dinner. Maybe hubby can switch work. Uh, I doubt it. I call hubby to tell him, and have him deal with the plans.

He doesn't do anything until Sunday morning at 9am. When he finally calls his mother, she asks him to switch work nights. He tries, but couldn't. We agree to go over for dinner last night (I immediately call my parents and ask the over for Monday night, so I have an excuse to not have to go again on Monday without him, LOL). By 4pm, MIL has rounded up 8 more people to make a party for herself. We go. Done deal, right? HA!

After dinner, I tell her not to pick up J* from school on Monday (our usual routine), b/c my parents were coming over to celebrate my birthday. My bday is Saturday, so my parents said we should celebrate my bday now, since maybe a certain someone's birth might interfere with a Saturday celebration. Aren't my parents wonderful to even think of that?? Anyway, MIL immediately says why can't they come another day, b/c her birthday was tomorrow, and so and so will be there (she obviously needs my son there to validate herself) . . . I STOP in my tracks. Oh, so her birthday is more important than mine, and we need to celebrate hers twice, and mine perhaps not at all?? Fuck her! I tell her no, they can't come any other day and I leave the room to find my shoes and get ready to go. Turns out she started crying about it . . . yeah, boo hoo . . . I'm ruining her birthday. UNBELIEVABLE!

So, tell me honestly. Am I wrong? Is my birthday not as important as hers? Tell me . . .I can always blame it on my hormones.

For your viewing pleasure . . .

. . . while we all patiently wait for the next action-packed adventure! There hasn't been much change in the belly, and its glaringly obvious he has not dropped.

36 weeks
38 weeks

At least the room has changed . . .

From this:

To this!

38 week update -some drama included

The appointment started off fine, as usual. BP was fine, weight gain 20lbs total. And, of course, no dilation at all. Zip. Nada. Nothing. Then she checked the heartbeat and it was only 110-115. She decided to send me to the hospital for monitoring just to be safe. She was going over too, to deliver some one else's baby, so she said she'd meet me there. That was an unexpected development to be sure!

Well, I had J* with me since my appointment was so late in the afternoon. Hubby was working, so I called FIL to meet me at the hospital to help with J*. I think I scared him a little but he was great, and came in 5 minutes after me. They hooked me up to the monitors for an NST, and said it would only be about a 20 minute test. WoW, that was a long 20 minutes, LOL. The heartache looked like it was all over the place, sometimes below 100, and sometimes above 165. It was nerve wracking, but it all turned out fine. My doc said the baby was doing super, and was in no distress at all. My level 2 ultrasound to check growth is scheduled for Thursday at 4pm. I'll update more then. I'm gonna go crash now!

Reflections

Wow. I am at the end of this pregnancy. Almost. So much has occurred, and so much more still to come. I was enjoying a few minutes alone yesterday floating in the pool as J* took a nap and hubby vacuumed my car. As I was basking in the quietness of the water and watching the sun go down behind the tree-line, I became extremely emotional at the enormity of this journey, and well, frankly, just started to SOB. The real thing . . . heaving chest, tears, moans . . . I just let loose. And it actually felt good to cry. Cleansing.

I think I am ready for baby. I'm terrified of labor, but ready for the changes in our family that are inevitable. We spent yesterday as a family of three, from the time we woke up till we all went to sleep, probably for the last time. Just us . . . no inlaws, no family or friends . . . I don't even think the phone rang once . . . it just sort of happened that way. We were able to say goodbye to our old life and realize we are ready for our new life, plus one.

One thing I have to mention . . . all last week I felt incredibly good. Much better than any week I can remember in the 3rd tri . . . not overly tired, irritable, or uncomfortable Maybe it was from starting to walk on my treadmill again, or maybe its just the calm before the storm. Either way, I am grateful for it, because I feel well rested and more ready than before.

So now all we need is labor pains!

37 week update

Had the ob appointment yesterday afternoon. BP still good, no weight gain this week, and cervix still shut tighter than corked wine bottle. Lovely.

I have been walking almost everyday, but perhaps I need to walk more. Or, it's not working, and my body just has to do it on its own. Then I remember I am only 37 weeks, and should just be prepared to go closer to the due date, or (gasp!) later. I inquired about the "philosphy" of the ob practice for inducing when you are late. The ob (the evil partner, btw. My doc was running way behind and I had to pick up J* from daycare) said usually just 7 days, but it could be earlier if the patient is ready (favorable cervix, blah blah).

Then Evil Partner did the long awaited growth u/s. After I had to ask if it was going to be done, since it was postponed last week. She obviously didn't read my chart before coming into the exam room. "Sure, we can do that, but why were you to have one?" Excuse me, but you're the fucking doctor!! Now I am in charge of my medical care?? I took a deep breath and told/reminded her I was seeing the perinatologist for the placenta thing (the look on her face indicated she had no recollection), and the peri referred me back to the ob after all was resolved and suggested a growth scan between 36-38 weeks. So she turns on the machine. I relax a little.

First thing out of her mouth is "why is this baby measuring small?" WHAT!!! Baby Doo Doo has always measured right on . . . like exactly on . . .at every u/s. But the measurements she was getting were 2 weeks behind. Of course, in her lah-di-dah way, she says "oh, its fine, as long as its within 2 weeks, but you should see the peri for another u/s next week to be sure." BTW, she said his estimated weight was 6 lbs. Doesn't sound to small to me!

As I was getting off the table, I told her my son was 6lb1oz at birth, so this baby will be definitely bigger than him (FYI to the readers, the pg books say that the fetus gains an ounce a day from 37 weeks on) . Dare I tell you what Evil Partner says next?? Are you sure you want to hear?

She says, "i guess you just make them small". So I looked her right in the eye and said, "no, his BIRTHMOTHER made him small. Its in my chart that my son is adopted." And I walked out.

Please pray Evil Partner is not on call when I deliver!!!!

Rain down on me . . .

. . . showers of friendship, that is! My baby shower was yesterday, and I am still smiling from the wonderful time I had! It was a really great time and memorable afternoon. I never had a bridal shower or baby shower before, and seriously don't like being the center of attention (ok, unless I'm drunk). Also, I have one-on-one friends . . . meaning, I don't have a group of friends that are friends with each other. They've all met at J*'s b-day parties before, but they don't know each other otherwise. So I was kind of nervous about the whole thing! But, it worked out great, and everyone had the opportunity to get to know each other better, since it was a small gathering. And it was only my cousins and aunts (no inlaws!), so I could spend more time with each of them too.

The most fun part was the creative idea for a shower craft my friend Robyn brought along. She bought several packs of Gerber white onesies in 3 different sizes, along with fabric paints, fabric markers and stencils, and every guest made a unique onesie for the baby! So I have very special onesies for baby's first year! Here is a pic of them all done . . . my 7 year old niece, 7-year old cousin, and 3 1/2 year old nephew did a few too . . .some of theirs were artistically better than the "adults"!Will post tomorrow night after my 37 week appointment!

36 week appointment update

I was so looking forward to this visit, but just as I checked in, my ob got called to assist in an emergency c-section. That meant no ultrasound for me this week. I had to see the PA, who did my group B strep culture and an internal exam. My cervix is shut tight . . . nothing doing down there. For some reason I was so disappointed. In reality I know that 36 weeks is early for dilation, but I was looking for a glimmer of hope that Baby Doo Doo might come a little before his due date. And he is head down again, so that means its all up to my body at this point.

I took a walk with J* last night, and I am writing this entry as I walk on my treadmill, in hopes of getting things moving. I realized how much I sit all day (2-hour round trip commute to work, and lots of sitting at my desk), so now I am motivated to be more active during the day. Don't worry, I won't overdue it. I don't think I can . . . at my cousin's wedding this weekend, I danced for all of 1/2 a song before becoming winded.

On the construction front, the room is just about done! The floors were finished yesterday, so hubby just has to install the baseboards (already cut to size!) and touch up some trim. Furniture will be moved in Friday morning! Just in time, b/c my bro, SIL, and the kids are coming Friday night!

Silly me!

Note to self: NEVER watch a TV program about adoption when 35+ weeks pg and extremely hormonal!!! (kind of silly to make a note to myself, b/c I don't plan on being pg again!)

I read on FBA that there was to be a show on ABC called Primetime: Family Secrets, about adoption and the birthmoms' experiences. I should have known it would be overwhelming, b/c just reading the description on ABC's website had me crying. Well, the breaking of the Hoover Dam couldn't have produced more water then my bawling when I watched in on my TIVO yesterday morning. Oh Wow. All the emotions surrounding J*'s birth - the months of waiting for him to be born, the day we met him, the next day waiting for the call that the TPR had been signed, and those first precious moments with him - all came zooming back to my brain with a fury. I'm SURE I would have cried even if I wasn't pg, but the pile of used tissues next to me on the couch was a bit embarassing to me when hubby came into the room and saw them. He almost panicked that something was wrong!

About the show . . . other than the non-PC terms the announcer used to describe some things ("gave up the baby", etc), I thought it was good. It really captured the emotional process the birthmothers cycle through during such a difficult time (it showed pg, birth, placement, and 3 years later).

So J* just turned three. Its three years later, and I often wonder how his birthmom is doing. I send pics and letters, but rarely hear from her. Watching this show, it reminded me of how aloof she was when J* was born, and when she handed him to me for the first time. The whole time we were at the hospital when she was there, she was just going about like nothing had happeneded, like she hadn't even given birth. I thought maybe that was her coping mechanism, but in speaking to the agency director during the next week while waiting for ICPC to clear, I asked how she thought M* is handling it. She confirmed that there was very little emotion regarding the whole birth and placement. It may have had to do with her dad being ill the weeks leading up to J*'s birth, and his death 3 days after that. It could have been related to her already placing a baby for adoption 8 years earlier . . .who knows.

It is interesting to me that in watching that TV show, I actually longed for J*'s birthmom to have shown a bit more emotion at the time. I guess I wanted to know that she loved him, but was making a choice to give him a better life, not that she was disposing of a problem, KWIM??

35 weeks 2 days

Quite a big change from 2 weeks ago. Somehow it doesn't look so enormous when its under a shirt . . .

35-week Appointment Update

All is well . . . BP fine, weight up to 19 lbs total gain, measuring great, HR strong. The baby may have moved again, as the doc couldn't feel a head down in my pelvis this week. So I get an u/s at next week's appointment!

I go weekly now, so next Tuesday they will do the u/s, the Group B Strep culture, and my first internal exam! I am sure my cervix will be shut tighter than a bank vault since I haven't had any contractions at all, but it'll be good to know where we are starting from. My acupuncturist said to see her starting at 37 weeks to help start dilation . . . she says she's never had a patient go past her due date if they get acupuncture starting at the right time. I'm all for that!

Had a small nesting session on Sunday morning . . . dismantled and cleaned out the fridge. So NOT me. Maybe there really is something to this nesting thing, although I haven't had any urges to clean since.

Only drama of the day was after my appointment, my car battery was dead in the ob's parking lot. And it was raining. Joy. My FIL was close by, so he came and gave my car a jump. Hubby got a new battery last night and installed it already. It takes emergencies to get anything done on time in case you hadn't noticed.

Oh, and the construction has graduated to sanding and priming the walls as of Sunday. Hubby says he'll have the painting done this weekend, and then the floor can be sanded, stained, and finished. Uh, yeah, won't hold my breath!

Checking in . . .

Not much going on this week, so this post will be a bit of everything:

Construction update . . . still constructing. Don't even ask.

I think I am getting carpal tunnel syndrome. My wrists and lower forearms hurt and my hands are a bit weak. Hope it doesn't get too bad that it will affect my driving to work. Hmm, could that get me early disability??

I had overwhelming muscle pain on Friday night and Saturday. So much so, that I actually made my first off-hours call to the ob on Saturday morning. Lucky as I am, the annoying partner was on call, and it sounded like I woke her up at 8:30am. Oh well. I explained that every muscle and most joints in my body were sore, like I had ran a marathon or something. I was worried that it was a systemic infection of some sort. She said it sounded viral or flu-like, and that if it didn't resolve in 24-48 hours, she'd be happy to see me in the office on Monday. I thought she was brushing me off. Well, about 4 hours later, I had a fever of over 100 . . . she was right. I felt better in about 36 hours. Darn. One for her.

My upper back (between my shoulder blades) and my entire belly are plain sore . . .Dr. Google says its from my ribs flaring to make room for my expanding uterus. Next up is hip-widening . . . ooh, the anticipation! Get your front row tickets for that one now, ladies, 'cause this ain't gonna be pretty!

I attended the infamous baby shower the monster-in-law planned for the cousin . . . you know, the one she didn't think I deserved? Yeah, that one. Anyway, I sucked it up and played the good girl. Hubby owes me big time.

So, do you all have any complaining you want to do here? I feel badly its all coming from me!

Another big OUCH!

Do you all remember me complaining how big my belly was at 24 weeks, and how much it hurt? Remember this post ? Well, don't I feel silly now. That couldn't have hurt . . . look at me now. THIS HURTS! I am sore from sleeping last night . . . my ribs hurt.

Just remind me about these pics when I am complaining at 40 weeks!!

33 weeks and 3 days . . .

Making it all seem real . . .

Latest update: had a scan on Friday (when this pic was taken), and it appears my placenta has moved clear from my cervix. Happy and sad at the same time. Happy that everything is alright, and I am of all restrictions. Sad b/c I had sorta resigned myself to having a c-section at 38 weeks, meaning I only had 5 weeks left. Now I have to give BIRTH! Yikes, I am not mentally prepared for that. Sigh. Guess I am getting what I wished for in the beginning of all of this . . . to experience pg and all that comes with it!

Had my 33 week ob appointment yesterday. Pressure remains 100/60, total weight gain 17 lbs, fetal heartbeat and measurements all right on. Next appointment in 2 weeks.

My baby is three! sniff . . .sniff . . .

I cannot believe I am a mommy to such a big boy! Tomorrow is his actual birthday, but yesterday was his party. I am exhausted. We had about over 52 adults and kids for a pool party and BBQ. My feet and back hurt so badly last night, they felt like they were burning. Yes, I overdid it . . . but yes, it was worth it. My baby is three! Happy birthday to my dear, sweet boy! We love you!

Construction Update

So, the local painter wanted $1000 to finish the sheetrock, tape, spackle and paint. Uh . . . no. The room is literally only 9x11! Hubby is currently at home depot buying more supplies. He put up 75% of the sheetrock yesterday, working 10am-9pm on his day off. I'd feel sorry for him, if he didn't get himself in this situation in the first place! So it'll be about 2 weeks before its finished, but it'll be much cheaper. Here are some pics . . .

PS - we are pretty set on a name, but its still hush, hush. Jen, if i see you on 8/5, I'll spill it! Hopefully that's incentive enough to meet!

Better late than never?

I don't have the answer yet. I don't know why my husband waited 31 weeks and 5 days to start the needed renovations on the boys' room, but Saturday he seemed to think he had waited long enough. So he started ripping out the sheetrock in the room to better insulate the walls, replace the sheetrock and re-paint.

Our house was built in the 1950's and used to be a "weekend" home (or beach house) for the original owners. Yes, that means there was tin-foil insulation in the walls, and the past several owners brilliantly wallpapered over wallpaper (perhaps over more wallpaper) throughout the house when redecorating. So it all has to go. When we bought the house, we replaced the sheetrock in some rooms, but not J*'s room, as I gave up for the sake of time (we were living with said MIL for 5 months between closings and renovations). Need I say more? You get the drift.

J*'s room turned out to have several holes in the outside walls behind the poorly insulated sheetrock from an awning that had originally been attached to the house and since torn down. No wonder its freezing in the winter, and hot even with a/c on! Problem solved . . . except that hubby starts off home improvements great, but lacks the tenacity to finish within a time frame. Luckily, ironically, he bumped into a painter we know at Home Depot, so he is coming tonight to give a quote on finishing it.

Hubby is glad he started said project, b/c he found several very old baseball cards inside the walls, which distracted him to the internet to find out if they're worth anything. Considering 48 hours later we still own this piece of shit house, you can guess the answer to that one!

31 week appointment

Nothing new. All is well. BP fine, total weight gain 16 pounds, measuring right on. Baby Doo Doo was breech during the appointment, but he feels like he flips a lot. We'll see how he's lying at 38 weeks.

Not loving my OB's partner . . . she's so la-di-da about everything. Everything is always "great" according to her. I asked about what will happen if my placenta hasn't moved, and her predictable response was, "oh, I'm sure it has". Asked what happens if he's still breech at 38 weeks . . . you guessed it "I'm sure he won't be!". Is it too much of an effort to endulge me with a few scenarios?

She noted that I looked "tired". I said more emotionally than physically, but yes, I was. She told me to see a psychiatrist now, and get set up so I don't develop post-partum depression. Gee, thanks.

Ultrasound next Friday, 7/6 with the peri, and then back to the OB on 7/9.

No wonder I am so uncomfortable . . .

Look at the change! I am getting a bullet belly. Ouch!

limbo and feeling yucky

I am suspended in limbo. . . between ob appointments, ultrasounds, and dealing with horrible constipation, heartburn and nausea that make me just want to go home and go to bed till my next appointment.

Just my luck, these darn prenatals have cemented my bowels. Four colace, and 2-4 senokot per day didn't help, so last night I took M.O.M. Would you believe that didn't even work??? I mean, come on! It did make me nauseated, so thanks for that. I didn't sleep well b/c my stomach was gurgling and going crazy all night, so now I'm comatose at work too. Lovely. I'm a real charmer this week.

Sigh, 8-10 more weeks of pregnancy. How will I make it?

I just want to climb in with them

This is why its so hard for me to leave for work in the morning. Its just not fair. Yep, they are both out for the count, but its 6:25am.

28 week appointment and pic

All is well. Blood pressure still 100/60 despite MIL drama and horrific traffic on the way to appointment! Total of a 14 pound gain so far. Passed glucose test, but am anemic. Hmm, guess I gotta start taking my prenatals. Yes, I'm bad. Its just the prenatals were sooooo constipating, and we all know my other issues about that, so I avoided them like the plague. Don't think I am a bad mother by not fueling my fetus with micronutrients . . . I take the Scooby Doo vitamin colors that my son refuses. Waste not want not! Oh, and i take that Lipil DHA supplement too. Now I go back every two weeks! Wow!

Ultimate Monster-in-law

Its no secret I have a monster-in-law. I doubt there's anyone who hasn't heard me complain about her. Picking up my son at daycare without asking me first . . . or asking me a question and not getting the answer she liked, so calls my husband on his cell to ask him as if she didn't talk to me . . . I could go on and on. Well, today hit a new high (or low, however you look at it).

My SIL and mom wanted to throw me a baby shower. I didn't have one before J*was born, b/c I was worried it would jinx the adoption. I didn't have a wedding shower either. I didn't love the idea of a baby shower this time, but it grew on me, and I just want my friends and family to share this wonderful time with me . . .

My mom called MIL to discuss it with her (because its the RIGHT thing to do . . . that's my Mom), and my MIL said no, that I didn't need a shower b/c we have everything we need. Umm NO! We borrowed most everything b/c we were broke from adoption expenses, and gave it all back, She also said that if she invited her family and friends to a shower for, they would end up feeling like they had to give two gifts, because they'd give a gift when the baby was born. Whatever, like people don't have minds of their own?

Of course she said this as SHE IS PLANNING a baby shower for HER NIECE who is due 3 weeks after me. Can you believe that! Excuse me? What's the difference?? And of course she has given countless baby showers for her other nieces or nephew's wives. Makes me feel really loved. Please insert 4-letter C word here.

My mom will have it anyway, and my MIL is not invited. I'm thinking all sorts of four-letter words about her, but the "c" word is summing her up quite nicely today. Who needs her?

Sorry for the vent. I'm still crying a bit. And just to warn you, this is officially war.

All alone

Wow, it just seems weird. Daddy and son left at 10am this morning to meet friends at the beach. Its hot, and I wasn't in the mood, so I stayed behind. Its now 2:11, and I just don't know what else to do with my free time! I did a little gardening, but got too hot. I did a little research online for my summer class, made a grocery list, did a load of laundry, looked at all of J*s baby pictures, ironed a blouse I'm wearing to a party on Tuesday, prepped daycare lunch for tomorrow, threw out old stuff from the fridge, and read some blogs. Great day. But now what? Ah, a nap. You read my mind.

Glucose test Wednesday, and 28 week appointment on Thursday. May as well rest up.

No improvement

Today's scan with the perinatologist showed my placenta is still "low-lying". When it was discovered at 20 weeks, they said that it usually corrects itself 90% of the time. Well, not for me. If anything, its a few mm closer to the cervix (it is supposed to be over 3cm, but mine was 2.7cm and now its 2.4cm, which is less than an inch). Also, there is a large pool of blood sitting right at the top of the cervix (called a placental lake, but this also moved much closer to the cervix and is larger than last time). It is a risk for bleeding. So, I remain on pelvic rest, and go back again in 6 weeks.

A new finding was that I have a "marginal" cord insertion . . . meaning the cord is attached to the placenta at the end, not in the middle as usual. As long as its attached and has good blood flow, it should be fine. It is sometimes associated with smaller babies, so we'll see.

On a positive note, he was sooooo active! It took a few tries since he kept wiggling, but we finally got a cute 3D picture of his face and his cheeks. And he weighs 2.1 pounds! That's more than my mother weighed at birth (she is a triplet and was 1lb 14oz at birth).

Here is the 26 week belly pic:

VACATION and the return

Sorry for the silence, but we took a week's vacation in FL to visit my bro, SIL and niece and nephew. Its our annual trip to warmth without spending a fortune. They have a guest house across the pool, so its easy to stay with them and still have some privacy for each family. It was also our 6-year anniversary, which is another reason we go away this time of year. We were married on the beach, so we try to spend every anniversary on a beach as well. It wasn't the Carribbean, but it worked for us, since we're quite broke.

A great time was had by all, especially the cousins. My nephew was adopted from Korea, and is only 10 months older than J*, so they play together quite well. My niece is 6 1/2, and is the ring-leader. She was a big help with watching the boys when we needed her, except when she was baiting them or blaming them for something.

I actually got to take a walk each morning (just a mile or two), which felt GREAT! I have my follow-up u/s on Friday, and technically should have waited till after that to be "active", but I couldn't resist the beautiful mornings and the time alone. I am sure all is fine with Doo Doo. He is growing and moving like crazy!

Edited to add . . . Well, back to real life. Never fun when you get back from vacation to find things going wrong. Can you believe the cable TV went out on Monday (meaning TIVO couldn't record it) so we couldn't watch the 24 season finale?? WTF!! Thank goodness for internet episodes, but come on! Then, this morning, my coffee maker decides to be broken. Damn expensive Cuisinart piece of shit! I had to go OUT for coffee. Not my idea of a leisurely morning . . . good thing I planned an extra day off. I need it.

I'll update after Friday's scan.

24 week pictures

Here is 24 weeks 2 days. Must have had a growth spurt this week, b/c I was soooooo uncomfortable to the point that I had a mini meltdown that I couldn't do this anymore. Thankfully it passed. Guess my skin had to catch up to the growth spurt. OUCH. I had to add the front view this time . . . doesn't it look like it hurts? Humor me . . .

How can I ever complain again?

After seeing this, I really can't. None of us can.

AMAZING MOM

24 weeks and dragging . . .

It seems like this pg is going awfully slow right now. Given that I am a woman of little patience, it makes it difficult for me. Luckily I have my little bundle of dynamite to keep me busy and entertained. If I could figure it out, I would post a recording of J* singing Akuna Matata for you all to crack up over. I almost pee myself every time!

I took the newborn clothes down from the attic last night. Was my boy EVER that small?? It was exciting to sift through it all and remember. I'm so very glad we get to use it all again. We are headed to FL a week from today, so when we get back, I'll wash it all again and start putting it into Baby Doo doo's drawers. No, he doesn't have a first name yet, but his middle name is Joseph, after my dad. We have two names we agree on, just like before J* was born, and we waited to meet him to see what name fit best. I guess we'll do that again. I like a few other names better, but they've been vetoed. Maybe I'll get sympathy during labor and pick what I want in the end!