Silly me!

Note to self: NEVER watch a TV program about adoption when 35+ weeks pg and extremely hormonal!!! (kind of silly to make a note to myself, b/c I don't plan on being pg again!)

I read on FBA that there was to be a show on ABC called Primetime: Family Secrets, about adoption and the birthmoms' experiences. I should have known it would be overwhelming, b/c just reading the description on ABC's website had me crying. Well, the breaking of the Hoover Dam couldn't have produced more water then my bawling when I watched in on my TIVO yesterday morning. Oh Wow. All the emotions surrounding J*'s birth - the months of waiting for him to be born, the day we met him, the next day waiting for the call that the TPR had been signed, and those first precious moments with him - all came zooming back to my brain with a fury. I'm SURE I would have cried even if I wasn't pg, but the pile of used tissues next to me on the couch was a bit embarassing to me when hubby came into the room and saw them. He almost panicked that something was wrong!

About the show . . . other than the non-PC terms the announcer used to describe some things ("gave up the baby", etc), I thought it was good. It really captured the emotional process the birthmothers cycle through during such a difficult time (it showed pg, birth, placement, and 3 years later).

So J* just turned three. Its three years later, and I often wonder how his birthmom is doing. I send pics and letters, but rarely hear from her. Watching this show, it reminded me of how aloof she was when J* was born, and when she handed him to me for the first time. The whole time we were at the hospital when she was there, she was just going about like nothing had happeneded, like she hadn't even given birth. I thought maybe that was her coping mechanism, but in speaking to the agency director during the next week while waiting for ICPC to clear, I asked how she thought M* is handling it. She confirmed that there was very little emotion regarding the whole birth and placement. It may have had to do with her dad being ill the weeks leading up to J*'s birth, and his death 3 days after that. It could have been related to her already placing a baby for adoption 8 years earlier . . .who knows.

It is interesting to me that in watching that TV show, I actually longed for J*'s birthmom to have shown a bit more emotion at the time. I guess I wanted to know that she loved him, but was making a choice to give him a better life, not that she was disposing of a problem, KWIM??