Tying up loose ends . . .

Got my 2nd trimester sequential screen results: all negative! Put that together with the 1st trimester screen, which was negative, and that means no reason for an amnio! We weren't planning to have one anyway, unless something was really wrong, but its nice to know there isn't! Level 2 u/s Friday, April 6th and next OB appt Monday, April 9th.

Finally wearing all maternity clothes and am so much more comfortable. I saw my naked thighs in a full-length mirror this morning (am at a hotel for a conference -don't have a full-length at home) and yikes, they are gross. I guess I got away without exercising long enough. It was a nice vacation from the obsessive planning of when and where to exercise that I have been dealing with since my teens, but time to get real. I need to wear a bathing suit if I am gonna make it through the summer. Plus, labor is supposed to be easier if you're in good shape, right? Come on, someone give me some encouragement!

No, no names yet. Want to make sure he is still a boy at next week's ultrasound. I've also been holding back at really believing this all will turn out ok, with a healthy baby at the end, so didn't want to pick a name and get more attached. If you've been through IF, you'll get what I mean.

No kicks yet either. Today I'm 18w4d. they better come soon! I sometimes feel a few tickles low down, but still could be gas. I am trying to be patient!

Still dealing with constipation and nasal /sinus congestion. I guess this is the hand I was dealt for pg. I'll take it. I always hated throwing up.

He cracks me up

My son is so amusing. He keeps me laughing at all moments. I just can't get enough of him!

Last night, we had steak for dinner. J* started eating before we did, and the steaks weren't done, so he asked for chicken. Once we sat down with our plates, of course he wanted some, so he starts spearing the piece on my plate. Hubby cut him a few bite sized pieces and he digs in. He spit out a piece declaring, "this is too spicy, Dad"(apparently he got a piece with a good dose of Montreal Steak Seasoning on it). SPICY? Where did he learn the word spicy, AND the correct use of it?? We looked at each other and just burst out laughing. This is the kid whose pediatrician was concerned about his lack of speech at 15 months. HA!

Since he turned two, he's been using words like "dangerous", "California", and "triceratops". Such a mouthful for little guy, but he spits out the words and keeps going? I just had to write about it, so I didn't forget this gem.

On friday, my girlfriend picked J* up at daycare for the first time, to save me time so that I could go straight from work to her house for a playdate/dinner. I was worried he wouldn;t cooperate or be upset, but he did great. Apparently the car conversation went something like this . . .

E: J*, what is your baby brother's name going to be?
J: Doo-Doo Doo-Doo! (his standard response for a month now).
E: And where is he going to live when he comes?
J: With the other Doo-Doo Doo-Doo's.

I'm sure some swerving and hysterical laughter occurred at that. What a pip!!!

The other amusing situation is the potty-training. Since that one weekend of trying out the big-boy underwear, we haven't pushed much. Over the past few weeks, he has asked to pee standing up, like Daddy, and will now go voluntarily 2-3 times a day. Sometimes, he'llk jsut march right in and take down his pants. Its a bit messy, as he has no aim, but hey, he's interested. Don't know if he's more interested in the Heshey's Kiss he gets for peeing though. Thanks, Daddy. Not.

I see no difference

except maybe he is climbing a bit higher?

So the worst part of pregnancy so far is . . .

?? What was/is it for you??

The 1st trimester was not bad for me . . . . nausea and tiredness, but not horrible. Really. I got off easy. The constipation . . . that was bad. Sleep . . . what is that again? I fall asleep fine, but after 4 hours, I wake and then toss and turn until morning. I know my mind is racing, which is definitely most of it, but there must be more to the insomnia too.

Second tri (well, all 3 1/2 weeks of it) is going well. The nausea disappeared in one instant a few days before 13 weeks. The tiredness lessened more gradually. Oh make no mistake . . . I'm still very tired, just not falling down exhausted at 7pm anymore. I can make it till 9pm now. Rock on.

The constipation is still bad, but its not surprising since its been a lifelong issue anyway. Acupuncture was working well, but at this point I can't justify $70 a pop for a poop. No thanks.

I'm dealing with the worst congestion now, which is in my sinuses and giving me a headache. I can take Flonase, but its not helping. I have had a dull headache and stuffed nose/sinuses for 3 weeks now. That's hurting my sleep too. Any suggestions?? BTW, hot compresses didn't help. Saline spray doesn't help.

What was/is the worst complaint of pg for you?? And to my friends who are moms through adoption, or not moms yet whether adopting or doing IF treatments, I'm sorry this post is pg-focused. But, what helps you poop???

Meant to be

Our profile was posted on Miracles Waiting for awhile, but we did not have many inquiries. I started getting more bold and would query donor ads as they were posted. I chatted with a few donor couples through email, but nothing worked out. We went ahead with IVF #2 with our own goods, adding ICSI to the mix, to see what really is the problem . . . eggs not fertilizing or just plain rotten eggs. I was put on the pill for 6 weeks to quiet my ovaries and recruit follies all of the same size, with the plan they would all grow together and all be mature at the same time. Uh, yeah. More on that later. While I was on BCPs, a donor ad appeared on MW that caught my eye. It had "matched" next to it for awhile, but this day, that wording was gone. I emailed. I waited. I got a reply! That was May 23rd, 2006.

The donor mom responded by saying they had been matched but the recipients changed their mind. This was actually the second match that didn't work out, so they were very cautious/reserved about even trying to find a match again. Of course, we are so thankful that they did! We emailed for about 2 weeks, and then made plans to meet the following month, in mid-July.

In the meantime, we went ahead with the IVF cycle, even though we had no hope in it, and wre so excited to blessed with embryos from such a wonderful family. The stimming part of the cycle went really slowly, as they were trying to push me longer to get more eggs to maturity. that did't work. They retrieved 20 eggs that cycle, 9 of which were mature, but 8 fertilized with ICSI. We had 8 embryos!! Hope returned . . . for about 36 hours, when we got a call the day before the scheduled 3-day transfer that the embryos "weren't doing as well as expected" and not to get our hopes up. We were cancelled the morning of transfer again. It hurt a bit, but not much, since I already had my heart attached to these frozen embryos and their family. Timing was good too, since we were cancelled at the end of June, and had our meeting with the donor family all set for 2 weeks later.

Our family of three spent the day with their family of 4 at the Mystic Aquarium on July 16th, and we all hit it off right away. It was so right. We were matched!

16 week appointment update

Short and sweet, meaning all is well. HR was strong (150's). BP was fine, fundal height measuring right on, up 2 pounds overall (their scale says 3 1/2, but I like to go by mine - wink!). Got my requisition to schedule the level 2 ultrasound, and the lab slip to do my final sequential screen test. Next appointment at 20 weeks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you all gone to www.MiraclesWaiting.org yet?? Have you told a friend, spread the word? Embryo adoption is an unknown option, and it has made our dreams come true, so I feel passionate about informing others. Thanks for reading, and helping to spread the word if/when you can. If anyone is considering this option, go to http://www.ivfconnections.net/board/forumdisplay.php?f=58 to bond with others going through the process. It helped me tremendously.

Belly progression . . .

Is that me???

Embryo adoption . . . the story behind this pregnancy

Yes, my children are both adopted. My son is from Florida, and this kiddo in the making is from New Hampshire. We live in CT. We were matched with J*'s birthmother on March 17, 2001 and he was born on July 10th of that year. We were matched with KITM (kiddo in the making)'s biological parents in July of 2006, and he will be born in late August 2007. J* was a fetus at the time we fell in love with him. KITM was a 2PN frozen embryo, stored deep in a lab for about 9 years. We fell in love with him before he was even defrosted, or implanted, or had a heartbeat. J* and KITM were meant to be our children. Its just so obvious to us now.

As I mentioned before, we adopted J* after 4 failed IUI attempts, and broken hearts many times over. We didn't pursue IVF because of the out-of-pocket expense, my marginal psychological health, and for the sake of our marriage. Our beautiful son arrived, and I was over the IF stuff. I thought I had moved on.

Well, those that know me well enough, know that money is a big motivator (or deterrant in some cases) to do things. I started a new job in July of 2005, and oops, it had IVF insurance coverage. Jen/Meddlingkidd may remember our talk in the mall when we met that Spring about me taking this job. I flat out said I was taking it to get pg. And if it didn't work, we'd adopt, since this company also gives $10k reimbursement of adoption expenses. Of course, that fact that it was my dream job, and I love it really took a back seat to all this!

So, after starting the job in July, we did our first IVF in October of 2005. We were so naive. We were so hopeful. At retrieval, we were told I made 26 eggs! Perfect! Even the post-op nurse said we'd probably have a 5-day transfer. Well . . . not! Only 11 eggs were mature, only 2 fertilized, and they both died the morning of day 3. Cycle over right before Thanksgiving. Ouch.

After that horrendous cycle, I knew in my heart that my eggs were shit, and that was the ultimate cause of the IF. I'm fine with that. We'd adopt. At least we tried IVF, and had an answer.

Well, somewhere in my research to find a new domestic agency, I came across Embryo Adoption. I read an article, then another. I asked questions . . . and Jen/Earthchild (who I credit with all of this) told me she did it at her clinic in Long Island, and gave me great advice, and their phone number. I called right away, and got an appointment for a consult in January. There was no wait for embryos, so we chose our donors, and cycled in March. We had two beautiful blasts transferred, but unfortunately, it was a BFN. Bigger Ouch.

After contemplating whether to try again, all of a sudden there was a waiting list for embryos. So I put our name down just in case. I began looking for other sources of embryos, and found the answer . . . www.miracleswaiting.org. That's how we found KITM.

Operation Underwear: Status = failure

No go. Spiderman underwear and Lightning McQueen underwear were not enough to get J* on the potty. Two wet accidents didn't help. Bribing with tattoos, glow sticks, and other "presents" didn't cut it. Putting him on the potty every hour didn't help. And the finale of poop in the underwear with the announcement of its arrival seconds afterwards was enough for me. He isn't ready. Its ok, it was worth the try and now we know. He's only 2yr 7mths, so we'll let it alone and try again in a month.

At least he looked damn cute in his big boy underwear!

Pregnancy Guilt

I am infertile. I never forget that. I find myself working hard to remind everyone else of that, however, as news of my pregnancy spreads. My standard phrase is "I'm pregnant, by the miracle of modern science", or "I'm pregnant, but this baby is adopted too . . . ". I have to admit, the latter has been my favorite lately, just for pure shock value, and to see the look on some faces is just priceless!

Why do I feel so guilty? This is a rhetorical question, BTW. I am telling you why. Its because infertility leaves deep, permanent scars. For the past 5 1/2 years, it has been my identity. We infertiles flock together . . . we have secret clubs (message boards) and a secret language to ourselves (IVF, ICSI, BFN, beta, FET, gonal-f, RE, etc). Going through infertility treatments is so horrid, so stressful, so EXPENSIVE, but it is who I am. But now I'm pg, and I feel someewhat guilty about that.

BUT, I am also extremely proud of the road we took to get here. If not for the infertility, we would not have our PERFECT little boy sleeping upstairs right now. I would not have the wonderful friends I've made through his adoption process, nor the friends from the infertility boards. I've actually bonded with a few others at work, who admitted to their infertility struggles since hearing my story.

And we would never have this little guy growing inside me, or be blessed to know the family for which we are eternally grateful for, who gave us this GIFT. Our extended family has grown forever, and we look forward to a lifetime together.

My next few posts will take you through embryo adoption, and our experience coming to meet and bond with our donors.

GULP! 13 weeks!

For those of you who NEED to see my growing belly, feast your eyes (LOL). . . I guess its a bit bigger. Now that the little sucker is above my pubic bone, he's starting to stretch out and make himself at home!!

And for those asking, no name picked out yet. I'm sure it will come down to the wire, just like last time.

I have been doing baby crafts like crazy, and the only 4 women that I know are pregnant are having boys too, so there's lots of blues and primary colors around. But for some reason, I ust can't start to make something for my SON. Its still a bit scary. I have plenty of time anyway, so I think I'll just keep looking around for that perfect project. If you're expecting a girl, or matched with a birthmother of a girl, let me know. I may need to take a blue break and make something pink!

Oh, my other weekend project - maternity shorts made from old shorts I never wear anymore! Credit goes to KellyGreenT for showing the pattern on FBA. It was just a trial, but definitely easy! Excuse my underwear lines . . . I'm off to buy bigger sizes today!!

Finally, some ultrasound pics for you!

This is a profile of the little guy at 12w1d.














Here is the proof he is a little "guy"!

Great NT scan and early money shot!!

We had our NT scan this morning and everything looks great! Nuchal fold (test for Down's and a few other defects) was within normal range (it was 1.2cm) and all else was good as well. Open fingers, no club feet, 4 chambers of the heart!

I was scheduled at the hospital that I used to work at, so I went early to track down my friend who is the #1 ultrasound guy (will be the new VP of American Institute of Ultrasound in Medicine next month) so he could do it for us. He did my very first u/s for my very first IUI back in 2002, and he knows all we've been through. He did an incredibly detailed scan, including a peak at the genitals . . .

If anyone could tell this early, I knew he could! A great big thank you to my buddy Oscar.

It's a BOY! U/S pics to be posted later!!!

What? I'm not Superwoman?

Reality is truly hard to swallow. I bit off more than I could chew. I couldn't handle it all, and I was forced to do something about it. Damn!

I have been just dragging. And so frazzled. For those that don't know, I started a doctoral program in Clinical Nutrition last September, and took my first class in the Fall semester. I got an A! So, I went ahead and took two classes this semester to get ahead, since I may miss a semester with a newborn this fall. I figure I could get at least a B in each class and still not be overwhelmed. Wrong call.

I made the decision yesterday to drop one of my courses as I just couldn't handle the 2 at a time, plus working, being pg, and being mommy to crazy-boy toddler!!! Oh, and a wife too, I always forget about that. Guess I'm not the superwoman I thought I was. Damn!

But to tell you the truth, I am relieved. I want to enjoy my family time on nights and weekends, instead of spending it on the computer or at the library. I want to enjoy being pregnant and all that goes with it. Oh, and I want to take naps. I love naps.

So, the new me. Streamlining, simplifying, going a bit slower. Doesn;t sound too bad . . . wonder what else I can get rid of . . . any ideas?

Nausea, nausea, go away . . .

Holy crap! I have been sooooo nauseated from Thursday night through today. What's going on?? I though it gets better as you approach 13 weeks, not worse! Ugh. This blows. Couldn't even indulge in Super Bowl food yesterday. Nothing is appealing except pretzels. I LOVE pretzels. Best thing ever invented.

11 weeks today. I think I wore my Hilfiger jeans for the last time yesterday . . . had to unbutton them while sitting. TG that my black jeans have plenty more room in them, b/c I'm not ready for maternity pants as they are way to big. I guess this is the "I don't look pg, I just look fat stage". I don't care, I just want to be comfortable. And I'm sure if and when I ever poop again, I will feel a bit better, and maybe can wear those jeans again. Shrug.

I had dinner with my friend Robyn on Friday night, and I finally asked her all the details about her pregnancy. My best friend. We never discussed it before. I feel badly that I wasn't there for her when she went through the vomiting, post-partum yuckiness, etc, but I was in no frame of mind at the time to want to hear it. I was infertile and pissed off. I think she knows that. I hope she doesn't hate me for it.

So last we left the adoption story . . .

. . . we headed home with an empty carseat, and totally deflated and confused. The more we thought about it, the more we realized we didn't know who was to blame for our fruitless trip. Was it the birthmother, who's story kept changing, and everyone believed her, or was it the agency's staff who did not verify the bmom's doctor's visits and reports. We had a new due date of August 1st, but didn't believe this was ever going to happen.

Oh, it was horrible going back to work after that . . . everyone thinking we had our baby boy home. truthfully, i don't remember much from the end of May until July 10, 2004. Thankfully, "Chief" (what we called him during the pg) made his appearance well before August, and before I had totally lost my mind.

I don't remember where we were coming from on that Saturday afternoon, or why we were even together, but my cell rang as we were parking the car in the garage, and it was the agency director's cell number. I immediately knew this was it . . . and I was right. M* had been admitted to the hospital with labor pains, and was good to go. GREAT! Except, how do we get to Florida late Saturday evening? There were no flights that night, so we had to wait for the 6am flight Sunday morning. We packed, ordered in Thai food, called who w needed to call . . . I couldn't stand it anymore after awhile, so I just went to bed. Somehow I managed to fall asleep, but hubby woke me up just after midnight says he just got the call that Chief was born at 11:51pm, and all was fine. We were meeting our son the next morning!

If anyone has the book, Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born, you can just read that and understand what happened from then until we finally arrived at the hospital. The anticipation was unbelievable. But we made it. At 11am on July 11th, we met our son, and I held him for the first time. My life had begun . . . again.

We locked the fridge.

No, not because I am eating us out of house and home with being pregnant, but b/c our dear son has figured out how to open it! He has been helping himself to cheese and grapes, but yesterday he had the gallon of ice cream out on the coffee table for who knows how long! Immediately after that, hubby went off to Home Depot to get a lock.

Picture how this kid does this . . . We have a side-by-side fridge/freezer. The handles are up a bit to high for him to stand on the floor and have enough leverage to open the doors. So this genius figured out that if he scales up the fridge, holding on to each door, if he lifts one foot while dangling there, that door will open, and he gracefully dismounts with that proud, "look what I did" accomplished look on his face! He also figured out that socks and slippers interfere with this maneuver, so he now takes those off even before beginning this little escapade. I'm sure its only the beginning of even wilder things to come. BOYS! Yes, Jenn and Jen, be afraid . . . be very afraid! (and, by the way, how cool is it that I can say that???)

In other news, 10 weeks today! Rented a doppler and heard that beautiful gallop of a heartbeat. Nausea is minimal, as long as I eat often. Love, love, love those Happy Herb's Oat Bran pretzels. Yum! Have to hide them so no one else eats them. Hopefully, the soluble fiber will help this constipation which is my worst complaint. Its bad. Two-colace/day, tons-of-fiber-and-water, off-the-iron-supps, no-cheese-and-still-backed-up kind of bad. Only thing that helps is acupuncture, but I can't do that everday. Trying acupressure, so I'll let you know how that goes. The fun never stops!

First Belly Pics . . .

Yes, copying AZJenn's blog, with some belly pics. First +beta day and yesterday. No wonder my pants are tight! Can't guarantee its all baby, and not some constipation too. Sorry, I'm honest to a fault!

Congrats to you, Jenn, on finding out the gender!! Ha ha, I know before all of you!!!!

*edited to add that I didn't know Jenn had posted on FBA already! I'm a dork.

Waiting sucks, doesn't it??

Hurry up and wait is the story of my life! Why I have no patience whatsoever is a mystery to me. I will have to think about my parents, and if they were like this . . . anyway, I hate waiting.

I hate waiting for people to return email messages, phone calls, things they borrow. I hate waiting for people who are never on time, or for meetings to start when they are always late. I REALLY hate waiting for a table in a restaurant, so much so that I'd rather gto somewhere else (and often do).

I COMPLETELY hated waiting for my son to be born . . . being matched at 5 months was a nightmare in disguise, but with adoption, you either wait to be matched or wait for the birth. Or both. So I just have to say that I really, really, REALLY hate waiting for Jen's son M* to be born!!! He is due tomorrow, and I just can't wait for the news. And I know its a gajillion times harder for her to wait. HUGS to you, Jen!

So, second on my hatred list is waiting for my next ob appointment and/or ultrasound. I have been stressing about weaning off the progesterone since no one is monitoring me. I even emailed my local RE to ask his opinion of the wean protocol and timing with gestation. He replied that it sounded "perfectly reasonable" to him, but he knows me so well, he offered to let me come in Thursday morning for monitoring (blood and u/s). What's a sucker like me to do??

First OB appointment . . .

was yesterday! I went to a new practice that my friend who had the twins (which started as 4 heartbeats, for those that remember!) went to. I wasn't too attached my practice, since I'd only been 2 times for annuals (got new insurance in 2005 and had to change practices). An infertile doesn't really need an ob/gyn for much. My RE did paps and a million other tests, so I just faithfully scheduled my annual visits to get referrals for mammos and such. Never got that warm, fuzzy feeling from her I needed, so I figure if this new practice and the docs put up with my neurotic friend, they must be angels! I really liked them all, so that was good. Yes, warm and fuzzy feelings were had!

Got yet another pic of our little bug. Heartbeat is up to 160's, my BP was 1oo/60 and I lost 2 pounds. Everyone was excited to hear our story, although it confuses a lot of the testing in the future, b/c for some things, I have the risk of a 36 year old body, but for other things, it was a 29 year old bio-mom (at the time). It will be interesting.

I have to schedule my NT scan for 3 weeks or so. That will be my next u/s. How will I ever survive 3 weeks!?! A better question, how will you all survive me the next 3 weeks?!!